I love this time of year when newspapers and television networks and everyone with a typewriter offer their opinions on the main news of the past year.
And given how difficult 2021 has been for various people on planet Earth, many of these stories will not be happy.
Last year around this time, Donald Trump was president and he still had a Twitter account. One of my stated goals for 2021 was to be mentioned at least once in a Donald Trump tweet, but Twitter shut it down for bad behavior just as I was about to write my name and send it out to the world.
Telling what happened in the last 12 months is relatively easy compared to predicting what will happen to us or engage us or amuse us in the next 12 months.
That’s where I come in.
According to the folks at ancestry.com, I’m a direct descendant of Nostradamus himself, which explains my uncanny ability to predict the outcome of soccer matches, atmospheric rivers, and human weaknesses.
I have been doing this for several years with remarkable precision, but nonetheless, I caution you not to bet too much on some of the expected results.
Note: various predictions from previous years have been delayed by the usual government bureaucracy, not to mention a misty crystal ball, and are therefore repeated here as the events anticipated in 2022.
Can I have the envelope please?
OLYMPIC GOLD (January 4) … A rare blizzard buries Davis in four feet of snow. President Biden convinces the IOC to move the Winter Olympics to Davis after the City Council agrees to convert Covell Overpass to sledding. Gary May chose to light the Olympic Flame atop Mrak Hall.
PROUD GUYS (Jan 6) … Republicans in Congress introduce a bill to make January 6 a national holiday “In honor of the brave men and women who stormed the Capitol on this day to prevent democracy from taking hold in our great land “.
FOOD WITH YOUR FINGERS (January 31) … Raising Cane’s sets the world record for the number of people lining up to eat chicken wings as hungry customers stretch from Davis to Esparto waiting to order a “Caniac.”
VIRUS UPDATE (Feb 14) … The CDC announces that Americans will need a booster shot every six hours for the rest of their lives to combat the new strain of the coronavirus.
PUBLISH OR PERISH (March 17) … UC Davis Department of Plant Sciences merges with legendary downtown Davis Bookstore to form Avid Breeder.
STINGERS UP (April 1) … Sacramento state sues to block Aggie Square development. “This land is sacred to thousands of Hornets everywhere and naming it after our archrival is nothing sacrilegious,” says CSUS President Robert Nelsen, adding “I am mad as a Hornet for this invasion of our historic territory.”
UCD PRINCIPLES REJECTED (April 2) … The US Ninth District Court of Appeals Finds UC Davis’ prized “Community Principles” document unconstitutional. “No one can be constitutionally obliged to ‘respect’ anyone,” the court declared in a unanimous decision.
ALL POLICY IS LOCAL (April 6) … Mike Pence kicks off his campaign for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination at the Pence Gallery in downtown Davis. He asks Mike Harrington if he can borrow the lawn signs from his old “I Like Mike” campaign.
Says Pence: “I am honored and frankly surprised that the great people of Davis have chosen to name this beautiful gallery after me.”
BIRDS OF A FEATHER (April 23) … Young Republicans from UC Davis once again invite Vladimir Putin to ride on their picnic day float.
THE DOMINO COMPANY (April 30) … Davis Enterprise partners with Domino’s Pizza and promises that your item will be delivered within 30 minutes of publication or that your subscription is free.
A DESERVED RECOGNITION (May 9) … Tanya Perez wins the Pulitzer Prize in the Drop-Dead Funny category.
TOTALLY SHAKIN ‘HAPPENING (May 15) … Massive earthquake levels of 9.7 in East Davis. Damages exceed $ 800.
FORE (May 30) … Donald Trump joins El Macero Country Club, breaks the field record by 10 strokes with Lindsey Graham and Steve Bannon as witnesses.
RETURN OF THE GRAND (June 1) … Davis High School hires Blue Devil legend Ralph Villanueva, the greatest athlete to ever wear the blue and white jersey, as its new soccer head coach. Villanueva promises a return to glory and plans to prepare for the season opener against Folsom.
PINTS ALL AROUND (June 6) … Ruhstaller Farm wins the coveted “Hoppy” for “America’s Best Beer Venue” from the prestigious American Brewers Association.
STRANGE FRIENDS (June 7) … In the name of “diversity of opinion,” the California Redistricting Commission places the City of Davis in the Kevin McCarthy Congressional District in Bakersfield. Helen Thomson overwhelmingly wins the Democratic primary, prompting McCarthy to remove her name from the November ballot.
BUILD AND THEY WILL GET (June 30) … Emboldened by a flamboyant appeals court ruling that basically says no building is too big for Davis, Donald Trump announces a 112-story, 14,122-unit Trump Trackside Tunnel Tower that will completely cover eight miles of railroad between Davis and Dixon. .
JUST AN AVERAGE JOE (July 4) … Realizing that he has one more year of college eligibility left, Joe Montana enters the transfer portal and accepts a scholarship to play soccer at UC Davis. “Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to be an Aggie,” explains Montana.
WATER WARS (July 21) … Refusing to admit that the drought ended after winter storms produced a record 106.5 inches of rain, the City of Davis announces that homeowners will be charged $ 5 per ccf for the amount of rainwater that falls on their roof and your garden. “That water rightfully belongs to Davis,” the city memo states.
DOUBLE DOSE (July 30) … Davis’s favorite restaurant changes its name to Dose Coyotes and offers free COVID shots that are quickly known as Burrito Boosters.
A VIEW OF THE VATICAN (August 1) … President Biden appoints Bob Dunning as United States Ambassador to the Vatican. “It’s a dream come true,” says Dunning, a lifelong Catholic. “I always wanted to live in Rome. I understand they have the best ice cream in the world. “
THE BEST CHILDREN LEAVE THE ROOM (August 25) … Six adult salmon arrested in shallow waters of Putah Creek, accused of public spawning.
NEW NAME, BETTER RESULT (September 8) … Aggie Research Campus (ARC) developer Dan Ramos announces the project’s name change to “Free Beer for All” (FBFE). The project passes the special elections of the city with 98.7 percent of the votes.
AND THEN THERE WERE FIVE (September 12) … The National Park Service arrests Donald Trump atop Mount Rushmore with 10 sticks of dynamite and chiselling tools in his possession. “I got more votes than the other four guys they put up on the mountain,” Trump declares in his appearance in Rapid City.
THE PERFECT CANDIDATE (September 22) … Dan Wolk announces the candidacy for the Democratic nomination for the presidency in 2024, heads to New Hampshire.
LONE STAR LOONINESS (September 30) … Texas secedes from the Union, taking with it the Dallas Cowboys, Houston Astros and the entire nation’s brisket supply. With only 49 states remaining, the San Francisco 49ers declare that they are now Team USA.
STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW (October 5) … After an intensive 10-year study, a joint powers agreement is reached between Yolo County, the City of Davis and Caltrans to authorize $ 3.2 million to install a stop sign where Hwy 32A West meets with the train tracks. Accidents at the site decrease to zero.
NAME CHANGE HONRA AGGIE HOOP STAR (October 10) … Gavin Newsom orders a name change from the Sierra Nevada mountain range to Cierra Nevada in honor of UC Davis All-American basketball star Cierra Hall.
A CURRENT SALARY (October 17) … In response to the dramatic labor shortage that has closed 92.4 percent of Davis businesses, the City is raising the minimum wage to $ 40 an hour. “Our proud workers should at least be able to live in a one-bedroom apartment,” declares the council. “In Woodland”.
NEW CAST OF CHARACTERS (October 19) … After years of discussion, Disneyland confirms plans to move the entire amusement park from Orange County to Yolo County and rename it to Disney Davis. Explains a Disney spokesperson: “We will bring all the characters to Davis except Goofy. Clearly he is already there. “
FOOD TO GO (November 22) … The City of Davis closes Door Dash for delivering “junk food” and begins alternative delivery service “Davis Hash,” offering low-calorie, gluten-free, ketogenic and fully vegan offerings.
BAN ON BAGS REINFORCED (November 24) … Adding an added push to an already strict state law, the City of Davis bans plastic bags, paper bags, Glad bags, tote bags, saddlebags, gift bags, wind bags, air bags, garbage bags , trash bags, sandbags, bean bags, bagpipes, pipers, ladies bags, bag men, bags under the eyes, baggy pants, Baggin’s End, people named Bagley and baguettes.
MOTTO MANIA MARCHES ON (December 2) … Davis City Council votes 5-0 to adopt the official city motto: “Davis – More nuts than winters.”
NOSTRADAMUS DOES AGAIN (December 31) … Davis Enterprise names all of the above as the Top News of 2022.
– Contact Bob Dunning at email@example.com.